Drowning

I have been writing this blog for nearly two months now, and whilst I have absolutely loved writing it, I’m thinking I’m probably not the right person to be blogging, particularly not about parenting. Other bloggers seem to have their shit together, they know what they’re doing, and what we should all be doing too. They manage this whilst wearing nice clothes and brushing their hair and having children wearing nice clothes with brushed hair. Either that or they seem to hate everything about being a mother and just want to say how awful it is.

I am having a particularly tough time right now. A lot of the time it feels like I am drowning. I feel so overwhelmed I want to sit on the floor and cry. And sometimes I do. And yet when I think about it it sometimes feels like we just go from one particularly tough time straight to the next particularly tough time. And there’s always something to blame it on; work, holidays, viruses, teeth, a developmental leap, bad weather. And then we have a few glorious days in between where the sun is shining, gloriousness radiates from my children’s faces, love infuses every moment and you wonder how you could ever have felt so hopeless. And those days keep you going for a while. A while.

I often wonder how anybody else survives this. I feel like I’m a pretty strong, pretty capable woman. How can this be so hard? How do other people keep going every day? How do they have tidy homes and happy children? I wonder if it’s all a facade, I’m as guilty as anybody of indulging in the beautiful filtered Facebook pictures where our lives look perfect. But does everyone feel this overwhelmed secretly? If they do, how do they keep it so well hidden? And why do we all keep it so well hidden??

At the moment the mess in our house particularly is suffocating me. I have visions of all my possessions crashing down on me and crushing the life from me. I will be like one of those crazy hoarder ladies, dying under piles of children’s Lego. And yet I don’t think I am one of those crazy hoarder ladies, how has it got to this point? So yesterday arrived my lovely new copy of the Marie Kondo book, about how to declutter and organise my house so that it will never be untidy again. That morning we had made a great start, going through our epic DVD collection and piling up several hundred DVDs that we were happy to get rid of. And then the children started rearranging the piles, putting new ones on and putting others back. And as I opened the book I had one toddler clambering on me trying to get his hands down my top and another child whining at me that she needed me to do something RIGHT NOW. And I threw my lovely new book down the back of the sofa in a fit of frustration. I have the good intentions and yet I just don’t feel like I’m able to get anywhere.

Today did not inprove the situation. We had arranged wonderful adventures with friends today. Making some beautiful family Easter holiday memories. But the boy won’t let me put him down for a second and the girl won’t get dressed as there’s always just one more thing that she needs to do first. And I’m sitting on the floor, crying.

So we cancelled. I pressed the reset button on our day and gave up any expectations. It turned out the only thing the kids were really interested in was having a picnic, so at ten in the morning we sat on our kitchen floor and ate our picnic anyway.

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Then we put Octonauts on and bought ourselves some peace. Things have actually been a lot easier since I just gave in, and I’m quite grateful now to be in bed with the boy while he naps, with my daughter downstairs watching telly.

So, I think that blogging may not be for me. There are lots of people with perfect children and decluttered homes and brushed hair, people who don’t spend their days being drowned by the flood of expectations and commitments and responsibilities. People who have their shit together. They’re probably the ones to read. Sorry.

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10 thoughts on “Drowning

  1. I think that you are precisely the right mother to be blogging! I don’t want the truths of motherhood sugarcoated in a Facebook-ready highlights reel. The reason your writing is so engaging lies in its honesty and frankness. It’s real. All your lovely ponderings laid out actually show what a thoughtful, caring, generally amazing mum you are. Keep on writing!!!!

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  2. I totally agree, you are JUST the right person to be blogging, and the more of us open up about how NOT together we are the more we can realise how normal this is!

    Like

  3. Pingback: Joy | Inner Grace

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