Its only a few months since I started writing this blog, and writing this tonight I feel in such a different place from the person who started writing. The winter had been long. Long and dark, wet and miserable. I was really struggling working full time with two small children. I had even quit one of my jobs, only four hours a week but I just totally felt like I wasn’t coping. I found it impossible to concentrate on anything, and kept forgetting things, incapable of making decisions. I felt like I didn’t really know who I was, having been so totally consumed with becoming a mother for the last few years. I was desperate for a little more time to myself, time to think, relax, breathe, recover.
Since then a series of really positive things have happened. I have taken some steps to make time for myself, particularly enjoying my monthly reiki sessions. Have also done a bit of meditation, and I have really enjoyed using crystals (highly recommend the wonderful wisdom and beautiful crystal jewellery from the highly talented Iris Bluebird if anyone is interested). I did manage to give myself that most “crunchy mother” of all ailments, a breast abscess after wearing a crystal down my bra for a long shift away from my breastfeeding toddler!! Apart from that I do feel like the crystals help my state of mind, whatever the rationale behind that may be. I have found the blog hugely therapeutic also, and I am incredibly grateful to every single one of you who has read it, liked it, commented on it or shared it. I really do appreciate the time you have taken to read my ramblings.
Our efforts to declutter our house and our lives through Konmari, though still in the early stages with much work ahead of us, really have helped so much with moving forward, leaving a lot of the physical and mental clutter of my past behind me. It has inspired me to start visualising how I want our lives and home to look and feel, and to take small steps to achieving that. Then our garden project has been so much fun, hard work, frustration, but such pride seeing what we have achieved in such a short time and tiny space.
I am now feeling in a much more positive frame of mind. The warmer weather is helping, being out and active is helping, having future plans is helping. The children are not angels, and my youngest is whole heartedly revelling in his new role as a terrible two year old, but generally they’re being pretty lovely right now, and I feel like I am managing to be a bit more patient and kind with them. Not always, but it’s a start.
Chatting in the car with my husband the other day I remarked “the future’s looking pretty good for us right now, isn’t it?” He looked askance at me and suspiciously replied “last time you said something like that you were pregnant by the end of the week!” Now that really isn’t in my mind right now. I do feel hugely conflicted about the thought of a third child full stop, but it absolutely is not in my plans right now. (To be honest, at the precise moment of making the comment I was more preoccupied with the fact that a local Waitrose is due to open in a couple of weeks and they do make lovely cake!!!)
Generally though the future is looking good, and I hope to continue to build on this positive feeling, and continue to work towards a good life for all my wonderful family. And I know I will have set backs, and I still get down and struggle, but our progress in just a few months feels huge. Work is pretty tough right now and due to get tougher as we enter our busiest time of year, but I feel more able to cope with it right now, so keeping my fingers crossed. Now I guess I should get ready for my night shift, maybe you’ll keep your fingers crossed for me too, it may be about to get bumpy…