In a funk

Sorry for not posting all week. It has been a very busy week at work, but more than that I haven’t really known what to say. I know that lots of us are feeling pretty unsettled by the results of the EU referendum to say the very least. I have found myself alternating between being really upset, angry, scared, resigned, and sometimes even strangely optimistic by the opportunity this result may give us to reshape the direction of our future positively, but if I’m honest I have mainly been feeling in a total daze. I can’t really believe it’s happened and I can’t really even start to process it.

The morning after the vote, me and the husband had planned our inaugural  trip to the new Waitrose. That is how thrilling my life is these days. A Waitrose opening is a highlight in the social calendar. I had been properly excited about it, but when I got there I found myself being unable to concentrate at all. Unable to make any kind of choice about buying things. Actually, scrap that, I managed all right when it came to choosing cake and coffee, I thought that was absolutely the right first step for me in my grieving for the Europe that I felt so integrally a part of for my entire life. It didn’t really help but it did taste nice.

Coffeee has been essential this week. The boy has had croup all week, and around working very long days at work I have spent very long nights, sat up in bed, holding him up so that he could breathe, listening to his breath rasping away and trying to decided if I needed to head into work early and take him to be checked out. I didn’t, and he was fine, and is now all better, but a week of sleep deprivation definitely hasn’t helped me process my thoughts rationally.

This weekend has been Glastonbury Festival.

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I have been many times in the past.Firstly as a teenager, with my mother, who was at the very first Glastonbury Festival many years previously, an experience which really established our adult-to-adult relationship, something which I am so grateful to have. Another year, a chance catch up with the man who would be my husband, chatting over  a Brother’s cider in the mud, was the catalyst for us eventually getting together after having not seen each other for ages. We went there on our honeymoon, again with my mother, friend and my unborn daughter tagged along for the ride.

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It has been a very big deal in my life, in sunshine and in rain. I always get a bit overly emotional when it’s on and I’m not there. We haven’t been since my daughter was born, sensibly so I guess. I’m not the best at coping generally and the thought of doing it with two small children really is beyond me. I know that really, but I still feel sad not to be there.

Tomorrow night though, me and my Mum are off to a concert together, my first live music since my daughter earthquake came along and rearranged my entire world order. And it’s to see one of my all time heroes, my daughter’s namesake even, and I am suitably excited, but at the same time, slightly anxious after so long.

I moved slightly out of my funk this afternoon, getting out in the afternoon rain to do some much needed gardening, digging holes, lugging around great trugs of compost, planting, pruning and weeding. My Mum and the boy both helped and we were all soaked and covered in mud by the time we eventually piled into the house and a hot bath. There is something about reconnecting with the earth and the weather which is wonderfully helpful in these times of emotional disquiet, something about the productive outcomes of new plants in the ground, pruned fruit trees and big bags full of weeds that makes things feel real and ordered once more.

It was just what I needed. And after all his hard work and all that fresh air, the boy was asleep before I’d finished reading the bedtime story, which was another thing I needed tonight!!

Here’s to the start of a new week, to getting some sleep, to getting my head straightened, and to a PJ Harvey concert tomorrow night. I can’t wait.

 

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