You may have noticed that for the last few months my mood seems to have been a bit low. I have definitely lost my fizz and sparkle that I found in spring and summer where I felt alive with enthusiasm, motivation and joy for life. The last week of the summer holidays were the killer, then the stormy rage filled days of the beginning of term, and we don’t seem to have managed to drag ourselves back since.
I find that often as a parenting team, one of us may be struggling, whilst the other is on good form and helps prop up the team for that moment. This definitely feels like the longest spell where we both need a bit of propping, and there’s nobody around to do it.
I haven’t been to reiki since before the summer holidays, and that last time my amazing reiki master said that if I carried on like I was then there probably wasn’t anymore he needed to do. Life was sweet, my energy light and flowing and joyful. Today I went back to reiki and I think I was in tears about 30 seconds after he asked me how I was doing, and I pretty much cried for the rest of the hour. It almost shocked me, I can’t even remember the last time I cried, but I think he gave me the permission to let out all the frustration and difficulty that has been building these last few months. And now I know I have to do something about it.
I think the big part of the problem has been work. I work full time anyway, and for the past five months I have been consistently over rota’d, to the point that I am now nearly a month over my allotted hours. Combine that with a shift pattern that veers wildly between nights and days, whilst trying to squeeze in as much time as humanly possible with my children, and some serious insomnia, and you have one frazzled lady. And that doesn’t even touch on how totally hectic work is these days when I am there. And the worry hanging over me of all the admin work that I’m just not finding the time for around my shifts. All in all it has led to very little time to do anything nice for myself without overwhelming mum guilt, and absolutely no time to give my husband a break, resulting in crippling wife guilt too.
Todays reiki made me realise that I need to change something. I need to get back some control. I need to start enjoying myself again and nourishing myself again.
My plan is for small steps. More of the little things that I love. More music and dancing and singing (sorry neighbours). More quiet meditation. More blogging (sorry followers, hoping the posts will get more upbeat soon) and journalling. More reading (something other than just Facebook posts!). More baking, I cannot remember the last time I made a cake. More time with friends to help me eat that cake (every time I even think about meeting up with a friend I just haven’t been able to find the time).
And more reiki. I have two more appointments booked in now for this month!
Have tried some little steps already today. Drank my tea in the rain in the garden
where despite the autumnal changes there are still some flowers which just refuse to give in, bringing much appreciated flashes of colour, and I even saw a bee braving the rain today.
I also decided to treat myself myself to lunch out, just me and my new book and a cheeky glass of prosecco.
It is small steps so far, but I need to turn this round. I have finally found the courage to try and sort out my hours at work, so there won’t be an immediate change but hopefully things will get easier in the new year. And I need to ditch the mum guilt and wife guilt and get myself into a better place, because when I’m doing good then I can be there to prop everyone else up when they struggle and hopefully allow them to be in a better place too. I certainly found that during my sparkly summer everyone else seemed to sparkle too.
So here’s to sparkling. I have decided the up starts with me. And it starts right here!