Big Decisions

I have written recently about the effect that small positive choices have made on my life, and my mindset. I am eating better, being more active, doing daily exercise, taking more time for myself, and doing more of the things that I love. The more I do, and the more small successes I have, the more motivated I feel to push myself a little bit further, try something a little more challenging. I have spent a lot of time reflecting on where my life is right now, and where I eventually want to be.

All these small choices have led me to make a really big decision, or it feels pretty big to me. I wanted to share that big decision with you guys, because sometimes you just need to put it out there, so that everyone knows, and so hopefully you’ll help to remind me how much I really want to do this, even when it gets hard and even when I feel completely discouraged.

There have been several small incidents at work recently, several innocent off-hand conversations, and particularly some very kind comments from people that have really made me pause and take stock. I do think that I am a good doctor. I have a lot of practical experience, common sense and clinical acumen that mean on a day to day basis I am able to do my job competently. But is that really the same as doing my very best?

Its a very long time since I have really had to engage my brain, since I have got the text books out and studied the theory behind what I actually do on a day to day basis. I had resigned myself to the fact that I would be a specialty doctor forever, and if I am, then that’s ok. It’s a job I love. But that was never my plan when I started. I always just assumed I would be a consultant one day. So, maybe I still can…

I still have potentially thirty years of my career ahead of me. My youngest child starts at preschool in a few short week’s time. I am finally starting to feel less overwhelmed and finding time to do other things. What if I spent some of that time actually using my brain, doing some study that can only help take all of those years of experience and make me an even better doctor, maybe one day that doctor that I actually wanted to be all those years ago when I first started this journey.

So here I am, publicly sharing my decision to start sitting my exams to one day become a Fellow of the Royal College of Emergency Medicine. I’ve ordered myself a text book, I’m going to clear myself a study space, and I am totally going to do this! And if I sound like I’m giving up on myself, feel free to give me a kick up the backside!!

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