Overwhelm

I have been seriously struggling with overwhelm. I thought that once my exams were over I would feel this tremendous sense of relief and like a weight lifting from my shoulders.  Strangely it has had the total opposite effect. I have gone from one clearly defined and achievable goal (revising like a crazy person) to hundreds of goals. To write reflections, get work place assessments, organise my secondments, start a log book, learn how to ultrasound, volunteer for some teaching sessions, gain management experience, write an up to date CV, complete an audit cycle, start my quality improvement project, learn critical appraisal, spend quality time with and be a gentle, loving, inspiring, fun, present parent to my two neglected children, have grown up conversation with my husband not about children or work, organise some amazing, fun activities to make the most of our time together and the wonderful part of the world we are so lucky to live in, have a fabulous family Easter, eat better, start doing daily Pilates, sort out my poor garden that I have ignored since last August, do my fair share of the housework for the first time in forever, see my family and friends, and who knows, travel the world and write my first novel…

I have felt constantly stressed, like I am always neglecting something, my children, my husband, my work. At any given moment I feel there is probably something more important that I should be doing. I have been making small progresses, I keep writing lists and making sure I am ticking things off, but it feels like the real list is so enormous there isn’t enough paper to write it all.

This weekend though I was purely working on the ‘not having a nervous breakdown’ to-do list. This involved spending one to one time with my Mum, doing some serious weeding and pruning, eating pasties, sitting on the front step drinking tea in the sunshine, going to a cafe for lunch, seeing how excited my little boy gets about going on a bus, buying far too many kids books at the bookshop (it’s a miracle I resisted buying THE WHOLE SHOP), and seeing my daughter find the pure unadulterated joy which is listening to David Tennant reading the How to Train Your Dragon books on audiobook. 

It’s been pretty good, and today I got back to my sensible work-based to-do list and I feel good about that too. I’m trying to take it slow and take each day as it comes, and remember that sometimes the cup of tea on the step is the sunshine is just as important as work.