Hey guys, such a long time since I last wrote!! But they say it’s good to talk so here I am. I am six weeks into my four month secondment on the Intensive Care Unit, I am learning loads, having lots of new experiences, and everybody has been incredibly nice to me. I am so pleased to be making some progress towards my long term career goals, and that feels great.
However, it is such tough going! The hours are long, it is hard having to constantly work with new people, try to establish new relationships, get to grips with a whole load of new idiosyncrasies. Hard to always feel like I’m on the back foot, not knowing what I should, lacking the skills they want from me, always having to ask those silly questions, not quite knowing what I’m expected to say. It’s been really hard being away from my wonderful ED family, and their constant support I feel set adrift slightly, with people who don’t realise what’s been going on for me these last few months.
I have also been working really hard at home. Every day off I do actually get I have an endless to-do list. We have finally done the big room swap, so that after more than eight years of sharing my bedroom with children, we now have our separate rooms. There has been a lot of cleaning, wall painting, furniture assembly and moving, endless rearranging of our possessions. It has been more hassle than I really anticipated, but now that it’s all done I am so grateful.
Not only am I pretty happy with my first ever attempts at decorating, but they have been sleeping really well in their bunk beds, and I have been sleeping really well without them in our room!
We still have the new guest room and study to sort out as they’ve just become a dumping ground, but I’m trying not to force myself into rushing through it all, when what I really am desperately in need of is a break.
The other stress at home is trying to help my eight year old process her first experiences of grief. One of our chickens got attacked by the neighbours dogs, and ended up needing to be put to sleep. We’ve had a chicken die before, but my daughter wasn’t too fussed (as my son hasn’t been this time), but I think it came at just the point that my daughter could really start to understand what death means, and the implications that really has for our lives. There have been lots of tears, lots of difficult conversations, and also some slightly challenging behaviour which I’m sure is all linked. Me being away at work the vast majority of the time surely doesn’t help the situation.
I’m finding it difficult, coming from such a struggle with my mental health over the past year, to correctly interpret my feelings at the moment. When I’ve just had a bad day, worked too many hours, reacted to an innocently meant sarcastic comment, compared myself unfavourably with colleagues who have far more experience in ITU than me, and I become scared that I’m becoming sick again. I constantly worry that I could get sick again so easily, how my whole life became deranged so easily. I feel constantly like I’m on shaky ground, mere breaths away from sick leave again. I don’t think I am, I think I’m doing ok really, but the fear is always there.
I’m not sure I’ve really got any better at setting boundaries, at asking for help, at resting, at looking after myself. As soon as life gets hectic again all of those self care activities I got so good at, are the first things to go out of the window in favour of just surviving the days. But I am surviving, and making real progress at work. It just doesn’t come easy. I guess this is an ongoing process, and that’s hard to get my head around.
Inner Grace 