After my little moan earlier in the week I am feeling considerably cheerier now. Firstly some time in the sunshine, seeing how incredible my city is looking right now has done me the world of good. The anticipation of spring is pretty much my favourite emotion in the world.
Plus I think I may have come to a bit of a realisation.
I have spent quite a lot of time blaming myself for going off sick. I have kept thinking if I was more like so and so then it wouldn’t have happened. If I cared less about my career like them, then I’d have been ok. If I stopped caring what other people thought, then I wouldn’t have such unrealistic expectations for myself. If I hadn’t listened to them going on about goals and achieving, then I’d have kept plodding along happily and not burnt out. If I’d had more hobbies outside work then it wouldn’t have mattered so much.
But I think I may have decided that the person I need to be more like, actually, is ME. Maybe I should accept that actually I love my job, and I want to be really good at it, and I want others to think that I’m really good at it, and I am ambitious, and it does matter, and I do care, and that’s ok. That it’s ok not to want to just show up for my shifts and do the bare minimum and then go, and not think about work again until the next shift.
Obviously, it’s not like everything was perfect before I went off sick. I do absolutely need to work on pacing myself, looking after myself, resting. I need to find a balance between work and home, even if that is something that I need to constantly adjust. I do absolutely need to get better at saying no, at switching off, at maintaining my boundaries. But today at least I think that it is possible to do all of that and still be me, a person who wants to be a damn good doctor.
So, I kind of feel like I have found my direction again. I am not going to let my wobble scare me into thinking that I cannot ever become a consultant. I feel like I know what direction I’m heading in again, just that I can try walking a little slower this time. Who knows, maybe taking the occasional moment to appreciate my current view. And bloody hell, it was looking like a rather gorgeous one as I was walking in to town yesterday!
Inner Grace 